so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
