Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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