I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
