im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Moan for me like Helen Keller
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
