you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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