I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
