I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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