wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
