Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize