just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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