I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
stop calling my apartment porn island.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
