you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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