First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
