i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
