I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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