We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
