why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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