I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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