I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
People in love make me want to vomit
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
