apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
should my penis look like a turkey
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
