I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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