Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
