guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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