you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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