just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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