i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
