I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
