Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
