Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
