Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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