I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
