I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
