I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
