You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The uberlube is also flammable
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
