It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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