We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
