you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
