To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
