Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
