i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
