You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
