My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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