GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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