I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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