i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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