the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
