I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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