No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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