when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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