Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
