You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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