My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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